Over Labor Day weekend, Scout and I went to Six Flags in San Antonio. I have terrible motion sickness, so I never got into roller coasters as a kid. I was determined to go on the big coasters and get my month’s worth out of the day, so we jumped right in and started off with all the big ones. As we stood in line for each ride, I could feel the anxiety in my body rising. I knew this was something that I wanted to experience, and that Scout wanted me to experience alongside her as well. I got into the seats, they pushed down the safety restraints, and started the countdowns. My heartbeat went through the roof and I was so scared, but also filled with a joyous anticipation. I screamed the entire way through each ride and closed my eyes the whole time, but I loved every minute of the day.
Last Thursday, I had my ordination council with the Committee on Ministry of the Heart of Texas Association of the South Central Conference of the United Church of Christ. That is a really complicated and official way of saying that the people who are in charge of deciding who gets ordained, asked me some questions about myself on a Zoom call.
Spoiler alert - it went great! The last step before ordination is what we call an Ecclesiastical Council. All the other churches from our Association of the UCC send representatives to this semiannual meeting in October. During that meeting they will all have the opportunity to learn about my path to ordination and ask me more questions. Then finally, as long as there are no unforeseen issues, ordination service in February!
During this meeting last week, one of the questions they asked me was “what anxieties do you have about ordination?” Something that brings me both joy and stress is the power and privilege that come with this new title. It is one of the main reasons I am seeking ordination in the first place. I feel called to be an advocate and use the power and privileges that come from ordained ministry to help make the world a more just place.
I think it’s a good thing that I am also nervous about all that comes with that title. In many ways, I would be more concerned if I had no anxieties about it. While I know that I have prepared as much as possible, done everything I needed to in my studies, and will continue to grow as I work in this space, it does not mean I feel fully prepared to get started.
This feels like one of those moments that you can never really be prepared for. You have to start experiencing the thing, and trust that you have done everything you could before. My gut tells me that this journey is a lot like being at the front of the line for a big roller coaster. I’m anxious, my heart is beating fast, but everything ahead of me looks like an incredible ride, and I am so ready for it.
Here is a prayer for all of us who might be in a time of waiting, either with anxious excitement or something heavier.
Gracious God, I come to you knowing that I am always held by you. I know that you are my guide, my friend, and my confidant. This path feels right; this path feels heavy. I am scared to walk it alone. As I stand at this threshold, I am grateful that you are with me. I am glad to know that there is always someone to experience these joyous moments with me. Be with me as I take this next step in this journey, and guide me through whatever may come. Amen.